Book Review: Sonneveld, R., (2025), The Elephant in the Family Room, Girl Friday Productions

This book is written by Mr. René Sonneveld, a seasoned coach to family-owned businesses. After many years with UBS, Deutsche Bank and Citicorp (head of family business and corporate governance), Sonneveld now lives in Uruguay. The main focus of the book is to how to manage the complexities of legacy business, especially how emotions can make or break even the strongest families and their enterprises. And, when there are disagreements in owner families in running the business – imagined or full-blown – there are typically “elephants” in the board room that need to be addressed.

The books falls into three parts: reasons for emotions in the family business (the author call this “negotiating the battles”); reasons for misalignments (“weathering the storms”); and ways to cope with emotional misalignments (“anchoring for success”). The author draws on an exceptionally wide array of family experiences, some disguised. This adds definite quality to the book.

In part one of the book there are two concepts/issues that come to mind in particular:

-       Some family members may see it as an entitlement that they shall be the ones to take over the family firm. In such families, there may also be a large dose of complacency. Pride and ego may be dominant.

-       Cultural backgrounds of various family members may differ, perhaps especially when it comes to the generational differences/perceptions of trust.

From part two of the book, I shall highlight six key issues:

-       Individual family members may be associated with resistance to change that may go far deeper than just holding onto control, such as various types of discomforts with new ideas.

-       To hold on may often feel safer than letting go, an illusion of stability. A reasonable way of dealing with such transitions may be to take many intentional small steps, to ease the transition.

-       There seems to be at least five major mind-sift steps that are called for: embrace change as an opportunity for growth; finding balance between tradition and innovation; a collaborative approach to decision-making; an open-minded mind-set to implement change; more open communication, to build better trust.

-       Legacy is not static; it must be adapted to meet modern demands (such as e-commerce or AI) without compromising the values that define heritage (such as quality or stability).

-       There are unique psychological and emotional challenges associated with building/evolving legacy, such as coming up with a way to maintain shared commitment over time by family members.

-       The author considers perhaps the most common struggle to maintain a family legacy to be an inability to adapt, often also absence of a unified vision. A lack of financial discipline may also be a reality.

Let us now discuss six key issues related to anchoring a family firm for lasting success:

-       To come up with an effective, flexible governance model, based on acknowledging the need for structure.

-       Recognizing the aspect of (the corrosive force of) guilt: Some family members may feel that there is a perceived unfairness; family conflicts may linger due to guilt; family members that come out on top may still feel a sense of survivor’s guilt.

-       To effectively adapt in a changing world requires embracing technological change, facing economic shifts and adapting to changing social norms. It is also critical to navigate generational shifts.

-       Similarly, to build a sustainable family culture calls for respecting core values, cultivating a family culture, passing the torch of legacy stewardship, balancing tradition and innovation, and embracing environmental, social and governance (ESG).

-       Finally, the emotional intelligence of future leaders is key (more than “techniques” learnt at business schools):

o   Fostering emotional growth

o   Being able to bridge generations

o   Understand when to bring in external advisers

o   See it as an essential fact to build a foundation for future generation

o   To respect the interests of non-working relatives – fairness and openness!

In general, this reviewer finds it highly valuable to address the issue of core emotions among family members in family businesses. Very few other books on family business seem to examine this challenge so centrally. While I was not personally always able to grasp the clear flow of arguments regarding how such emotion might evolve, as well as potentially leading to the breakdowns about how families might work effectively, this may perhaps not be all that difficult. After all, we are dealing with a family business management aspect that is often over-looked, and which does not seem to have been extensively researched until now. So, read, read, read – but be prepared to struggle.

This book, as well as most other books addressing family businesses, seems to assume that a family owns one business, or perhaps a few. In contrast, a family-owned investment firm, with many ownership interests, typically not implying specific management tasks, may not find some aspects of this book relatable. My own book, Reinventing the Family Firm (IMD, 2021) may be of interest here.